Here are some facts:
Divorce rates in Indonesia range from 1.5% to 3% per year, depending on the data source and methodology used.
This means that for every 100 marriages, 1.5 to 3 couples divorce each year. The figure continues to rise especially during Covid-19.
However, keep in mind that divorce rates in Indonesia are likely underreported because some couples may not officially dissolve their marriages for social or religious reasons.
Our first issue features a friend of mine, Maulita Iqtianty. We talk about single parenting in Jakarta.
Why did I decide to write about single parenting? Unfortunately, it is a reality for many people, and it is a taboo subject in our society. So I would like to share her brave story about being a mother and raising a child on her own.
Side story: I first met Maulita (or Mbak Lita as I call her) while working at Philips. We hit it off right away. Mbak Lita struck me as open, intelligent, and amusing. So we have stayed in touch over the years. She is now in charge of the social media team for one of the country's largest television stations. You can read it in either English or Indonesian, whichever you prefer.
So let’s dig in. What is a childhood memory that shaped who you are today?
I was born and raised in a modest family where buying something meant saving up, receiving gifts, or working for it. I got my first phone during college, which I did not purchase but earned as payment for assisting my uncle in creating promotional flyers. Back in elementary school, I wanted a trendy backpack [forgot the brand], and I had to save my pocket money and only buy it during Eid.
When I first had my own money, I indulged myself in buying things I wanted—clothes, bags, shoes, books, etc. Thankfully, this phase lasted only in the initial years of my career. Growing more mature, I realized the discomfort of being financially unstable. Now, I manage expenses carefully and seize every opportunity to earn, especially as a single breadwinner.
Another thing I recall is that I was easily moved to tears as the youngest child. My family labeled me as overly emotional. As a result, I tend to suppress my emotions. When I am having problems, I find it difficult to confide in others.
Only when I hear sad stories or watch tragic movies do I cry.
Can you share a turning point or life-changing moment you’ve experienced?
Divorce was a watershed moment in my life. Nobody marries to get a divorce. But, you know, life happens. To find peace, one must be willing to let go of something important in one's life.
What are your most important values, and why?
Hard work is essential. As previously stated, I value hard work and integrity because I come from a family where effort and honesty are highly valued.
Furthermore, as I expand my social circle and meet new people, I recognize my mediocrity in many areas [Hello, Linkedin! Hahaha]. Recognizing my lack of extraordinary accomplishments or a powerful background, I work hard to maintain trust and credibility. To use a restaurant analogy, it is like ensuring good service, good food, and a pleasant environment to receive positive feedback!
How has your journey as a single mother shaped your perspective on motherhood?
I have met other single mothers in similar situations during my time as a single mother. It made me realize that women need to be empowered for a variety of reasons, including the death of their partners, not just divorce.
Many women become homemakers after marriage, devoting their entire time to the family. However, life becomes more difficult for single mothers, especially financially. It's not about imposing work on women but empowering them to have the strength to navigate challenges.
What are some of the most rewarding moments you’ve experienced while raising your teenage daughter?
The most rewarding thing for me is when my daughter confides in me. I take great pride in being the person she turns to for advice about life [especially non-academic matters]. Building a relationship in which she feels comfortable being honest and open with me is critical, especially given societal prejudices against children of divorced parents.
What advice would you give to other single mothers navigating the teenage years with their children?
Be the kind of parent your child can rely on. This cannot be demanded; it requires openness on both sides. Be transparent, share age-appropriate information, and avoid hiding anything from a young age. As parents, we must be honest with our children to foster a relationship based on mutual trust.
It is also critical to fight societal stigmas associated with children of divorced parents. Unfortunately, they often face both emotional trauma and societal judgment.
Can you share any challenges you’ve faced as a single mother, and how you’ve overcome them?
Initially, I embraced each stage and enjoyed the journey. Choosing to divorce calmly helped me accept the consequences of being a single mother. Downsizing from the house I bought during my marriage, for example, was met with practical solutions such as renting. Working twice as hard, saving twice as much, and reaching milestones like a down payment on a new house were all part of the process.
One significant challenge early on was lowering my ego for the sake of co-parenting. To ensure that my daughter receives love and support from both parents, I needed to communicate effectively with her father.
Fortunately, I have an incredible support system. My family has been there for me every step of the way, lending a sympathetic ear and offering practical assistance.
What support systems or resources have been crucial for you as a single parent in Jakarta?
My family, who live nearby, has been a huge source of support for me. Friends who go beyond being confidants to practical helpers, like sharing parenting responsibilities, have also played a crucial role.
My workplace has also been helpful. Working in a company that offers benefits tailored to single parents and understanding coworkers has helped to lighten the load.
How do you balance being a nurturing parent while allowing your daughter to grow independently?
It is a significant challenge. I want to give my daughter the best I have while avoiding indulgence. For instance, when she chose a school far from home, I set a condition that she needed to use public transportation. This was a conscious decision due to my inability to provide daily transportation. Despite her reservations, she accepted the challenge and learned to commute independently.
Allowing her to go out on her own, especially as she approaches adulthood, is a gradual process. I understand that I will not always be available, so fostering independence is critical.
Tell us about your career journey and how you’ve managed to pursue it as a single parent.
I have been working since I was in college, devoting half of my life to my career. When becoming a single parent, I became more cautious about job offers. I chose a stable job with benefits, including health insurance for my daughter. My career philosophy is not overly ambitious, but I strive to excel in my current position.
Do you have any insight for anyone thinking of getting a divorce?
Since I announced on social media that I was a single mom, I have received numerous direct messages from people considering divorce. Usually, my first question is, "Is it really what you want?" *Never make decisions based on emotions.
Marriage is a sacred commitment made not only to one person, but also in front of family, friends, and, of course, God. When we decide to marry, we carefully consider whether the person is "the one." So, if you carefully consider getting married, you should also carefully consider divorce. Divorce is often made more painful when the decision is made in an emotional state. There is lingering resentment, anger, and a desire for the other person to feel our pain. This is unhealthy; divorce does not solve problems; instead, it frequently creates new ones (whether with the same person, someone new, or life in general).
Many people avoid divorce because they are afraid, ashamed, confused, or for the obvious reason because of the children. Growing up in a toxic family environment, on the other hand, is not good for children. It is also not ideal for someone in an unhappy marriage. However, divorce is not the only solution. Of course, arguing with a spouse does not automatically result in divorce!
My advice to those who ask such questions is to talk to their partners about the issues they are dealing with and to understand each other's needs. If a one-on-one discussion is not possible, seek the advice of a neutral and trustworthy third party, such as a religious figure or a marriage counselor. Both parties must be willing; after all, a relationship requires the efforts of both parties. From there, you may gain insights that will help you decide whether to continue trying or explore other options.
INDONESIAN
What is a childhood memory that shaped who you are today?
Aku lahir dan tumbuh dari keluarga sederhana, jadi untuk mendapatkan sesuatu harus nabung dulu, dikasih kado sama orang lain, atau kerja. Aku baru punya handphone pas udah kuliah, itu juga bukan dibeliin, tapi ‘bayaran’ karena bantuin om bikin pamflet dagangan beliau. Terus pas masih SD, pernah mau beli tas ransel yang lagi tren [lupa tapi mereknya apa], itu ya harus nyisihin duit jajan dulu dan baru kebeli pas dapat uang tanggokan lebaran.
Makanya pas pertama kali punya duit sendiri, jadi lumayan royal buat beli barang yang aku pengin. Baju, tas, sepatu, buku, dst. Tapi untungnya cuma berlaku saat beberapa tahun awal kerja doang, makin dewasa, makin sadar kalo nggak punya duit itu nggak enak. Akhirnya sekarang ngejagain pengeluaran dan setiap ada kesempatan melakukan hal yang menghasilkan, aku ambil, karena khawatir banget kalo nggak punya duit apalagi sekarang pencari nafkah tunggal, kan. Hahaha!
Satu lagi deh, sebagai anak bungsu, aku dulu kecil tuh gampang nangis. Sering dicap cengeng sama keluarga. Kayaknya hal itu bikin sedih, sih. Makin gede, akhirnya malah repressed perasaan dan nggak bisa mengekspresikan perasaan sendiri. Saat punya masalah, susah cerita ke orang lain, mendem aja sendiri, dan susah banget nangis sama masalah sendiri. Sekarang jadi kalo mau nangis, nonton film yang sedih atau baca/ dengar cerita orang, baru bisa nangis.
Can you share a turning point or life-changing moment you’ve experienced?
Kalo yang kepikiran saat ini, tentu saja perceraian, ya. Mana ada sih, orang menikah tujuannya untuk berpisah? Tapi ya, shit happens. Untuk mendapatkan ketenangan hidup, ternyata harus bisa melepaskan hal yang cukup penting dalam hidup.
What values are most important to you and why?
Kerja keras. Seperti yang udah diceritain, bahwa dari kecil udah biasa berusaha untuk dapet sesuatu dan kebetulan bapak aku juga tipe orang yang kerja keras plus menjunjung tinggi kejujuran, jadi ya kerja keras dan jujur itu penting.
Ditambah lagi nih, makin luas pergaulan dan kenal banyak orang, aku merasa aku nih medioker dalam segala hal [Hello Linkedin! Hahaha].
Aku nyadar bahwa aku nggak pinter-pinter amat, nggak punya latar belakang yang cukup menjual [lulusan sekolah bagus, keluarga berpengaruh, dst], alias nggak ada privilege lah, buat belagu. Wkwkwk, alhasil aku harus kerja keras sebaik mungkin untuk mendapatkan sesuatu dan menjaga kepercayaan orang yang ngasih kerjaan. Kalo istilahnya restoran nih, harus menjaga pelayanan, kualitas makanan, dan tempat yang nyaman biar dapet review bagus!
How has your journey as a single mother shaped your perspective on motherhood?
Seiring perjalanan waktu jadi ibu tunggal, aku juga kenalan sama ibu tunggal lain, aku jadi makin sadar bahwa perempuan harus berdaya. Karena menyandang status ibu tunggal bukan hanya lewat perceraian, tapi banyak juga yang karena pasangannya dipanggil Tuhan duluan.
Banyak cerita di mana saat menikah, perempuan jadi ibu rumah tangga dan completely ninggalin dunia kerja. Mereka mendedikasikan waktu dan diri mereka untuk keluarga. Nah, ketika jadi ibu tunggal, kehidupan jadi lebih menantang terutama soal ekonomi, kan.
Di sini sih, bukan berarti aku mewajibkan perempuan untuk kerja, ya. Tapi at least berdaya, di mana mereka ada kekuatan untuk melakukan sesuatu, nggak pasrah dengan kondisi yang ada.
Setelah jadi ibu tunggal dan kenalan dengan banyak ibu tunggal lain yang punya cerita berbeda-beda, ternyata perempuan itu kuat banget!
What are some of the most rewarding moments you’ve experienced while raising your teenage daughter?
Pertama-tama sih, I’m just lucky to have a very sweet daughter. Proses jadi ibu untuk Langit sejak dia bayi sampai dia remaja sekarang terbilang cukup mudah. Emosi-emosi dikit ya pasti ada. Tapi kalo sampe berantem yang seperti orang tua lain alami dengan anak remajanya, ya alhamdulillah nggak pernah.
Most rewarding itu menurutku malah setiap kali dia bisa menceritakan dan menjadikan aku sebagai orang yang dia percaya. Orang yang dia cari saat menanyakan hal-hal tentang kehidupan [kalo secara akademis, kan, emang ibunya agak lemah ya, hahaha]. Jadi buatku, jadi orang yang dia percaya itu adalah hal yang bisa aku banggain banget, apalagi anaknya udah remaja. Mudah-mudahan kami seterusnya bisa begini sih.
What advice would you give to other single mothers navigating the teenage years with their children?
Nah, masih nyambung sama pertanyaan sebelumnya.
Sebagai orang tua, sebisa mungkin jadi orang yang bisa dia percaya. Nah, ini nggak bisa kita dapatkan cuma-cuma, kan? Aku nerapinnya sejak dia kecil, bercerita segala hal seperti apa adanya, sesuai dengan porsi usia. Nggak ada yang ditutupin. Sehingga, Langit akan lihat sosok aku di rumah ya sama aja dengan aku di kantor, di antara teman, di keluarga, dst. Dari situ, berharapnya dia bisa tau bahwa ibunya ya seperti yang dia lihat, yang dia tahu.
Kita sebagai ortu nggak cuma nuntut ke anak untuk bisa cerita apapun ke kita, tapi kita juga harus jujur sama dia. Makanya aku pengin hubungan mother daughter kami sejujur mungkin dan saling percaya, sehingga Langit nggak merasa aku kontrol sekali pergerakannya karena dia bisa cerita apapun ke aku.
Apalagi, masih banyak kan stigma buruk tentang anak yang orangtuanya bercerai. Kasihan kan ya, udah mengalami trauma tertentu karena orangtua berpisah, eh masih dipandang buruk pula sama society :’(
Can you share any challenges you’ve faced as a single mother, and how you’ve overcome them?
Sejauh ini coba nikmati setiap fasenya. Gampang ya, kalo ngomong? Hahaha! Tapi serius, mungkin karena saat memutuskan bercerai sudah di kondisi hati yang tenang, sehingga keputusan itu sudah bulat dan murni dari diri sendiri, jadi lebih bisa menerima segala konsekuensi ketika jadi ibu tunggal.
Contoh, harus keluar dari rumah yang dibeli saat menikah dulu, yaudah aku ngontrak. Kerja 2-3 kali lebih keras, berhemat dan ngumpulin uang karena ada tujuan, alhamdulillah bisa buat DP rumah, dst dsb. Semuanya dijalanin sambil asik aja.
Mungkin tantangan justru di awal perpisahan ya, harus menurunkan ego karena ada Langit yang punya hak untuk dapat kasih sayang dari kedua orang tuanya, sehingga aku harus bisa komunikasi sama bapaknya Langit untuk co parenting.
Lain-lainnya sih, alhamdulillah aku punya support system yang luar biasa. Keluargaku alhamdulillah masih komplet, sehat, masih selalu jadi tempat mengadu. Support keluarga penting banget sih untuk bikin semuanya terasa lebih mudah.
What support systems or resources have been crucial for you as a single parent in Jakarta?
Nah ini juga nyambung sama sebelumnya. Alhamdulillah keluargaku tinggalnya juga relatif nggak jauh-jauh amat, jadi masih gampang lah kalo butuh bantuan.
Kemudian ada sahabat-sahabat yang support-nya nggak cuma jadi teman curhat atau teman hang out saat suntuk, tapi juga hal-hal tertentu misalnya saling titip anak, ada tugas sekolah dadakan, dan banyak lagi deh.
Satu hal lagi yang nggak kalah penting juga tempat kerja. Bersyukur banget saat ini bekerja di perusahaan yang benefitnya cukup bagus untuk aku yang pencari nafkah tunggal. Selain itu, lingkungan kerjaku juga oke banget, sangat mengerti sama statusku yang ibu tunggal. Sesederhana izin datang telat karena ada urusan sekolah dulu, cuti untuk urusan anak, dan berbagai hal yang terkait urusan pribadi sangat dimudahkan. Walaupun kerja di industri media memang cukup memakan waktu sehari-hari, tapi karena lingkungan kerja menyenangkan jadi kerja terasa lebih ringan.
How do you balance being a nurturing parent while allowing your daughter to grow independently?
Ini lumayan PR sih, ya. Satu sisi pengin memberikan yang terbaik buat Langit karena udah kerja cukup keras juga, tapi di sisi lain aku sadar bahwa memberikan terbaik itu bukan berarti memanjakan.
Cerita sedikit ya, waktu mau masuk SMA, kami survei ke beberapa sekolah. Terus Langit malah pilih sekolah yang paling jauh karena dia suka sama konsep sekolahnya. Kebetulan, aku juga suka, sih. Tapi emang jauh banget dari rumah. Akhirnya, aku bilang, “Kalo mau tetap sekolah di sana, kamu ke sekolah naik angkot [angkutan umum], ya”. Ini aku tekankan karena aku nggak bisa antar jemput atau pakein taksi/ gojek setiap hari. Bisa-bisa transportasi lebih mahal ketimbang SPP sekolahnya!
Aku bilang gini karena ngirain dia bakal nggak jadi pilih sekolah di sana, karena dia nggak biasa naik angkot. Selama ini sekolahnya dekat dari rumah, jadi bisa antar jemput atau naik gojek jarak dekat. Eh, nggak tahunya, dia mau! Dengan catatan, aku ngajarin dia naik angkot dulu. Hehe. Jadi deh, selama libur kelulusan aku temenin dia belajar naik angkot ke sekolahnya, terus sisanya dia latihan bolak balik sendiri ke calon sekolahnya pake angkot.
Sebenernya sih, deg-degan juga ya ngelepas dia sendiri. Tapi udah SMA juga, bentar lagi kuliah, bahkan kerja, masa aku nggak bisa melepaskan dia untuk belajar mandiri? Di sisi lain, aku juga nyadar bahwa sampe kapan, aku bisa nganter/ jemput/ fasilitasi dia dengan hal tersebut? Nggak selamanya aku ada, kan? Jadi ya, pelan-pelan, dari hal terkecil aku mulai belajar untuk ‘melepas’ dia.
Tell us about your career journey and how you’ve managed to pursue it as a single parent.
Aku kerja dari masih kuliah, jadi setengah dari usiaku itu udah dihabiskan dengan bekerja. Hahaha. Untuk masalah karier, bener-bener mengalir aja sih. Tapi ketika menyandang status ibu tunggal, jadi lebih hati-hati kalo ada tawaran kerjaan baru. Aku milih kerja di kantor yang sudah stabil dan ada benefit seperti asuransi buat Langit juga. Karena setauku nggak semua perusahaan tuh, karyawan perempuannya dapat asuransi buat anak walaupun si karyawati tersebut statusnya ibu tunggal.
Di saat ini sih, kebetulan aku juga bukan tipe orang yang ambisius mengejar karier ya, jadi aku hanya menjalankan sebaik mungkin pekerjaanku saat ini.
PSA:
If you or anyone is keen to find out more about being a single parent, you can check out this Instagram group: Single Moms Indonesia.
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